"Was He A Drug Baby?" And Other Questions I've Been Asked

The questions started the first outting my (former) husband & I took with our newborn. We were in his birth city & needed to go to the store.

“Ohhh, where did his dark wavy hair come from?” The cashier asked, straining her neck to see my brand new infant tucked up in my @mobywrap. She looked back & forth between L & I.

“His birth dad,” I said smiling, honored to be his mom.

“Oh so hes not yours?” Looks at my husband.

“We’re adopting him,” I said proudly, new motherhood glow upon me.

“Oh so he’s a drug baby?”

I felt my insides freeze. My stomach dropped. I stared at her, confused as to who refers to anyone this way, let alone feels it’s okay to ask. This was her first assumption?

——————

Fast forward 2 years. We have 5 kids, 4 of which not born to us, & the questions are constant. The questions are actually micro aggressions, against our children.

Micro-aggression: a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group.

I personally take these convos case by case. Yes, I educate people, but not on our specific story or the details of my children’s lives. Instead I educate them by letting them know these questions are inappropriate & harmful.

I offer questions back, demanding they stop & realize what they’ve asked is not okay. When they still feel (falsely) entitled to the info, I inform them. I also might just answer simply & plainly. Often they’re looking for explanations & more info, but that isn’t theirs. This has been a journey of learning & practice.

My kids comfort & privacy is my priority.

If I answer every question, I’m teaching them they don’t deserve boundaries or privacy. A loss I have personally struggled with & don’t want them plagued with.

My kids comfort is far more important than an adults false entitled feelings. I will offend an adult before I breach my child’s deserved privacy.

It is not my kids responsibility to bear the brunt of an adults education of what’s appropriate and what’s not.

What are some questions you’ve been asked as a foster or adoptive mom?

-Natalie Kristeen

You cannot regulate a child if you aren't regulated

Parenting kids not born to us is a nice spotlight to see how imperfect we are 😅 I mean, parenting in general highlights our impatience, selfishness, low tolerance, it reveals trauma that may have been buried for years.

When parenting children not born to us (IMO parenting any kid ever), understanding TBRI is crucial.

@child_tcu created the IDEAL response.

Many of us were raised with traditional parenting. Verbally-Shame based, lots of physical discipline, many parents lacked the ability to regulate themselves.

This style will not serve your foster & adoptive parenting. It will compound trauma, likely increase misbehavior, & leave you continually frustrated.

Breaking the generational cycle of traditional parenting practices is hard. But as I tell all the clients I work with: every time we make one decision to parent with TBRI strategies, thru connection, we are changing the cycles.

Children who MOST neeeed our love, need our connection, need us to remain regulated…are children who can be hardest, pushing for disconnect, and totally dysregulated.

In order to show up & parent children thru the lens of connection + work towards healing, we have to work thru our own shit. We just do. There’s no other option.

Swipe thru to learn or refresh on the IDEAL response to misbehavior.

Comment any examples you need some tips/suggestions.

I’m not by any means perfect at this. The goal is not perfection, but progress. I am consistently reminding myself of these strategies.

When I first began shifting the lens in which I viewed parenting styles, I noticed it was a huge release in pride/ego. We have to set that down in order to parent with connection.

Our goal as parents should be to connect with our kids, because this can heal the broken synapses in their brain AND it gives them the opportunity to form healthy attachments.

-Natalie Kristeen

Categories of Openness in Adoption

In 2014 I figured a closed adoption was all I’d be willing to be a part of. It would be too confusing for a child to have BOTH families in their life. What if they tried to kidnap MY kid back?? I was sure I knew all about it.

Then I started reading & educating myself. LOL joke was on me because really quickly I realized my (falsely placed) confidence in what I “knew” was...so off.

Fast forward a few months. Early 2015 we begin talking with an infant adoption consultant, sharing the idea of anything but closed still sort of scared us. She said many people come to this journey feeling that way, but as we continue to educate ourselves we see that in fact, a totally closed adoption provides less space for fullest healing.

She mentioned “semi-open” adoption & I was intrigued. It felt safer. An in-between. Still distant enough. That felt comfortable (for me).

But as we walked one step at a time on our journey to our son, meeting him at 2 days old only 5 months before birthing our second son, my understanding grew. Desires shifted from my comfort to his rights + wholeness.

I handed his birth mom my email address before the most painful parting. Soon enough we became Facebook friends & exchanged cells.

I did the awkward & terrifying thing of reaching out to his birth father, then aunts, grandmas, and thru my own little PI self I found the adoptive parents of some siblings.

It can feel scary, feel like breaking rules even; but what drives me is the desire to offer my son whoever and whatever he needs.

I want to ensure he has access to all the pieces of himself, if & when he desires.

I could chat all about pieces of this; it’s so complex, too complex for tiny squares & character limits.

So tell me: what has your process been like in regards to openness in adoption? Not the specifics of your child’s adoption but your heart posture? Your understanding? Are you in the process of adopting or already adopted?

-Natalie Kristeen

Telling My Child His Adoption Story

“There was a mom & dad who didn’t have any kids yet, but they wanted to have lots of kids! They wanted to have babies from their tummy but also wanted to adopt a baby needing an adoptive family. They kinda hoped to have 2 babies at once.”

“You & daddy!?”

“🤫. WELL! They got pregnant the same week they started the adoption paperwork! That baby ended up dying in mom’s tummy.”

“Why did the baby die?” They always ask.

“We don’t know. But mom & dad kept on the adoption paperwork, waiting & waiting for a mom to choose to place her baby in their arms. Which is a big deal. Mom also got pregnant again.”

“And that was Ira!” Sage says.

“Yep, that was Ira. Mom & dad kept waiting & waiting, a little nervous no mom would choose them because they already had a baby coming.”

“But then R had me!” Sage says.

“Yep! Then one Wednesday morning our adoption agency told us about a perrrrrrrfect, loved, wanted baby boy born. His mama had looked at lots of different family books, but didn’t feel right until the worker showed her a photo of me & dad!”

“Then you threw up on the airplane.” They always recount that part. “And daddy had diarrhea.”

“Yes. We were both sooooo nervous! What if Momma R didn’t like us? What if you missed Momma R right away? Which you did. But we flew from Portland to you, with the help of soooo many friends. We went to the store to get flowers & a card; it was sure hard to write in that card. Then we went to the hospital & there was that perfect, precious, so loved baby & mom.”

“Me! & Ira was in your tummy!”

“Yep. Momma R was there & we all sat on the bed & cried + chatted for a long time.”

“Then dad got her a burger & fries right?” Sage recounts the details I forget I’ve woven in over the years.

Each time I remember new details. They can fill in blanks when I leave something out. Obvi a lot more to this story & they ask a lot of Q’s repeatedly.

I’ve been telling this to him since the first week I held him. It started as practice convos for many things, but especially for sharing with him the start of his life.

The point is we can start as early as the day we meet them, telling them their story. Secrecy breeds shame & our kids deserve their story.

Book a free 1:1 to talk about how to talk with your child.

How Being An Enneagram Four Shows Up As An Adoptive Parent

I can tend to overwhelm my kids with heavier emotions & realities. It’s something I have to pay really close attention to, intentionally mother in the tension of honesty + age-appropriate conversations.

When they ask if or why I’m sad, I rarely say “I’m fine;” I explain age-appropriately what is upsetting me. It’s important kids know adults get sad too; it’s also important not to teach kids to suppress their emotions by responding with “I’m fine” when you clearly arent. That’s setting them up for the inability to connect inside relationships.

Because being blunt about how I’m feeling is natural for me, I have noticed at times my 4 & 5 year olds worry when they shouldn’t. They too are navigating how to be a person. I do not want them to feel as tho they’re responsible for my emotional well-being; I do want them to learn empathy & also have freedom to express their own emotions.

I invite a lot of conversations about adoption, missing siblings, different losses they’ve had...when maybe right then they just want to play with their dinosaurs & magnatiles 😅

A strength as an #enneagramfour is the natural inclination to validate my children’s emotions, empower them to be honest about their experiences.

A struggle as an #enneagramfour is over identifying with emotions, spiraling deeper into heaviness.

Shame works really hard in my life. Mistakes I make as a parent or otherwise can pull me into depression & downward spiral FAST. I’ve had to learn how to remain grounded, & teach myself + my kids our mistakes can serve a purpose, instead of serve shame.

The enneagram has been an impactful tool for me in spotting specific patterns; it has given me a window into myself, seeing damaging cycles. To me, this is freedom, this is healing.

I’m wondering: do you know your enneagram type? Have you dug into your own patterns using the enneagram? Are you interested in it?

How Do I Respond To White Saviorism Complex Comments? In Adoption + Foster Care

I believe part of the responsibility as foster & adoptive parents is helping change the narrative; for our kids. Lonnggg ago we created a narrative of saving & rescuing children from the Big Bad Wolf Parents, scooping them up meeting our own want & desire to become parents.

Because this narrative painted us (typically white) adoptive & foster parents as saviors / rescuers, we inherently felt as though our children owed us their gratitude, unwavering acceptance & loyalty, perfect behaviors, and affection. When that didn’t happen because 1. children don’t do that no matter who is raising them, 2. trauma trauma trauma, and 3. this is an unacceptable dynamic we’ve created... society scoffed and snickered at these kids. Painted them as “trouble kids.” Damaged. Ruined. How dare they act out & be ANYTHING but grateful when their generous parents went out, scooped them out of their misery, and rescued them?

Ahhh typing all that made my stomach twist. I hope reading it did the same to you.

For the sake of our kids well-being and the truth of their stories, for their birth parents who are not villains or inherently evil but typically struggling because of generational trauma that trapped them too, let’s work on responding to these misconstrued notions.

It’s okay to say, “I’m so grateful to be this child’s parent. I love my child SO much.” AND follow it up with “But I am not their savior or rescuer and their birth family is not evil.”

I find when I respond first with, “I know you’re saying this with good intentions, but for the sake of all the people including YOU, I’m going to explain why I hope you never say it again to me or anyone.” And explain it.

People don’t like feeling attacked; we’re all a little fragile 😅 so I explain that I see their heart, but let me help them see mine & the situation more clearly. Clarity brings healing for us all.

Anyone else have different responses? Always open to learning & hearing how to do better for our kids.

When we do better for our kids, we do better for us all. There’s no such thing as one way liberation ♥️

A Note To Adoptees

✨ save this as affirmations for your child ✨ I asked you what you want your child who was adopted to know, to their core. The resounding answer from dozens of you was: you are worthy, you are enough, you are loved, you can feel however you feel about your adoption.

The rate of reported suicide attempts is 4 times greater in adoptees compared to non-adoptees. I wasn’t able to find much research done on if being transracially adopted increases the reported attempts or not, but I imagine it does.

The reality that one of my sons has 4x more likely chance to commit suicide than my other two sons guts me.

Let’s take these beautiful love notes you all wrote to your children and actively affirm our children. Have them repeat after you, stating their worth and value. Empower them & teach them to speak love & life over their self.

There is so much power in words — the tongue holds the power of life & death. We know our inner critic is constantly trying to tear us apart, this is happening in our children too.

If your love note didn’t make it into the slide, feel free to drop it in the comments ♥️

How Do I Respond To Comments As An Adoptive or Foster Parent?

When I had 5 kids, 4 of them biracial/Black, I was constantly given opportunities to practice responding to comments & questions.

Before fostering, we’d be out & about living life like the regular people we are with two infants who appeared to be around the same age but not the same race, and this also forced us to strengthen the way we responded to (cringeworthy and “well-intended”) statements + questions. Invasive questions.

I cannot say this enough & will continue shouting it so foster, adoptive, and non-foster/adoptive moms all get on the same page: We 👏🏻 are 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 saviors, heroes, saints. We are not rescuing.

We are regular. Loving kids not born to us — whether thru adoption, foster care, step/bonus — is not hard. It does not make us “good people.”

Early on, before my boys could even comprehend what people are saying / implying / asking, I committed to keeping my child’s comfort & protection the priority. This meant sometimes coming off as rude or “un open” or unwilling to talk; but if someone can’t respect a boundary around my child’s intimate details & identity, they’re unsafe for my child. That stems from entitlement and nobody, NO BODY, is entitled to our kids stories/details.

Our kids are not harder to love, even if they come with challenges. Imagine living in their tiny bodies having to navigate how to simply survive.

Before getting defensive, I’m here to let you know I’m sure I also saw foster/adoptive parents with rose colored glasses long before I decided to venture into this world. Let’s just keep being willing to see how our words & assumptions are harmful & problematic.

It’s not cancel culture: it’s boundary & protective culture.

It’s respect. It’s thinking before speaking, of the weight of our words.

We got this, mamas. Our kids are worth us being firm in how we respond & educate others 🤍

Ps. Slide four response 3 I missed the word NOT. “...excuse NOT to stand in the gap”

My Freeze Response

My throat physically closes in on itself when asked or trying to be truly vulnerable & state my deepest needs. I find myself rubbing my neck, trying to squeeze the air through, sure the unsafe space is going to choke me. My whole body feels heavy and empty all at once, I want to dissolve into thin air and escape, hoping my inability to speak will make me invisible. I’d categorize this as the freeze response.

This happened a lot when trying to force space for myself in two different significant partnerships. Words, jokes, comments said over time revealing the lack of his own healing, his wounds seeping out all over me in my attempt to make space for my own wounds. Make space for my needs.

In an adult relationship there should be mutual felt safety, mutual healing, both rising + growing + transforming. When there isn’t, both suffer.

If this is how I felt in an adult-to-adult partnership, when my partner was unable to handle all my dysfunction & trauma & mess...imagine how painful and terrifying it is for our kids.

Imagine our kids, especially the ones not born to us or who don’t share a racial identity, needing felt safety & space to express their pain, questions, concerns, hurt, anger. But we can’t even handle our own, so why would they trust us with theirs?

I knew my partner would personalize & internalize my wounds, whether they were from him or not. And *even if they were* from him, a healthy relationship creates space for each of us to hear how we’ve hurt the other. And repair by hearing, apologizing, doing better.

I want this so bad for our kids. As a collective.

I want our hearts to work thru healing, so we can provide felt safety for our kids. So they can come to us hurting, even when WE are the perpetrators.

You here for the work, mama? I’ll walk alongside you.

Book a free 1:1 call.

What We Want Non-Foster + Non-Adoptive Families To Know

Oftentimes relationships change after we adopt & begin fostering... it’s unexpected. And it’s largely due to comments & questions from friends/family and not knowing how to educate them.

I had over 70 responses from adoptive + foster mamas sharing what they wish non-foster/adoptive parents knew.

Many of them were repeats & I did my best to condense into the core of what was shared.

Drop a 🙌🏽 if you can relaaaaate.

Swipe thru to find your or a similar-to-your quote, hit the arrow to send to your stories 😘

If you’re not an adoptive or foster mama, hit that save tab to return to this post when you need reminders how to love your friends ♥️

I’ll be creating a reel with MORE of what you want non-adoptive & foster families to know too!

Grateful for this community. I’m dedicated to doing work & learning how to love better right alongside you.

Adoptive Mama: Handle Your Stuff

Hey mama, if your children do not see you handling your own emotional burdens, they will not trust you can handle theirs.

Our kids have emotional burdens, no matter how wonderfully we (think we & want to) show up for them. Our kids are wise & intuitive.

They can sense if we are not handling our own stuff, and we ALL have stuff. None of us have arrived.

I’ll never forget one of my kids (who is no longer with us) saying she wanted to go home; then asking me why she wanted to be with me (foster mama) AND her {adoptive} mama AND her birth mama? “I want to go home, to mama & baba, but I want us to all live together, can we do that?” Another time during an intense dysregulation moment she screamed about how much she hated me. Multiple of my kids have done this.

If I am not secure in my own stuff + spot in this world, it’s easy to take this personally + react.

Our kids have a lot warring inside of them, & we’ve got to take care of our own STUFF so we can show up for them in their pained, scary spaces of questioning + confusion.

You hear about kids not born to us screaming “I want to be with my REAL mom!” in a parents face in the thick of conflict. If we as their mama aren’t working thru our own STUFF, we will take these moments & make them about us instead of seeing what’s actually happening in our kids hearts & minds.

Are any of us perfect? Noooope. Will our hearts ache along the way? For sure. Can we continue to show up & dig into different pieces of ourselves? Yes & we must!

Do you feel you have enough support unpacking your stuff on a consistent basis? What’s your favorite way to work through your own pain & childhood traumas?

Listen To Adoptees

All the moms I know would do anything necessary for their kids. If they needed to take a bullet, they would. If they need to skip meals in order to make sure their kids bellies get full, they do. We want to give our kids everything they need to brave living.

So when an entire generation of adoptees are shouting “Listen to me, here is my voice & experiences & pain,” I think “Wow, I want to listen & learn & do better. I want to understand.”

Maybe I’ll never need to physically take a bullet, but what if pieces of my ego & entitlement, privilege & comfort needs to?

What if Doing Anything For Our Kids, especially the children not born to us, means quieting all the voices that sound & look like ours —the ones bringing us comfort— and listening to the voices from our children’s unique lane of living.

I see the irony — I am a white adoptive parent talking a lot about adoption. My hope is to continually point to adoptees & birth mothers. My hope is to help you begin to understand trauma, the brain, your own self & how that affects your mothering.

I would go to the ends of the earth for my son, for all 3 of my boys.

I know you would too.

Seek out voices that make you uncomfortable, inviting you to sink deeper into understanding.

No excuses, here are some options, suggest others in the comments!

Books:
1. All You Can Ever Know by @nicolesjchung
2. Akin to the Truth by Paige Adams
3. In Their Voices by @rhondaroorda

Forever recommending @angieadoptee ‘s documentary Closure and her video series where she interviews adoptees on her website.

Podcast: @adopteeson & @waitimadoptedpodcast

IG accounts: @adopteelilly @_heytra @adoptee2adoptionworker @adopteeoutloud @blackadoptioncollective @blackadoptees @brewlikecoffee @fromanothamotha @bigtoughgirl @shardayrenee @dominiquebwhite @dearadoption @fosterthefamilyblog @fereraswan @diaryofanadoptee @therapyredeemed

The First Time I Held You Was The Beginning of My Healing: A Poem

The first time I held you was the beginning of my healing. But first you had to break me. The truth is, you keep breaking me.

It’s in the breaking I find healing, though. I’m convinced it’s the most painful breakages that provide space for the deepest grace.

Adoption breaks a family before it ever makes one.

And is the breaking worth the making? It’s all achy, life shaking, mind shattering, heart breaking. It’s worth it for me one thousand times over, but I’m the lucky one.

It broke your family, uprooted you from where your roots were planted & placed you in soil foreign.

Each of you eventually landed in a home unknown; my home, my arms, my heart forever yours.

Even you who were moved from my home; one of you returned to roots original. Loss still scathes your soul, scarred on your heart never to part. You others moved to arms you weren’t born to, but hearts hopefully ready to carry you.

My heart breaks + aches at the thought of the pain you each carry from the top of your head to the tip of your heels. Pain placed upon you from no fault of your own.

How can breaking become healing, you may ask?

If some breaking helps become whole, isn’t it healing? Isn’t healing being restored to how we were meant to be? Isn’t it healing to see with empathy, and not just sympathy, or pride or entitlement? Isn’t it healing to break & bend, & in so doing pour out love because it’s all we have left?

But is it healing for me and you both? All of us? The fissures from this question aren’t lost on me.

It’s in the breaking I have learned what it means to love. It’s in the breaking I set down my pride, ego, selfishness.

It’s in the breaking I’ve found healing.

I broke when I held you. And this was the start of my healing.

Understanding Trauma Explosions

Understanding trauma explosions + outbursts is necessary if we want to be good foster + adoptive moms!

I have had the privilege of really experiencing some intensity in this arena for some years. My evenings after the boys go down for bed are 99.9% of the time spent reading books + rewatching videos from Karyn Purvis on YouTube.

I read books for my own trauma and I read books to understand the trauma responses in children. I’ve been to workshops & attended courses & dove deep into understanding this piece of the adoption & foster care world.

At the end of the day, we are all imperfect & mess up. We all misstep & all our lids flip at times. We must hold grace for ourselves & apologize & repair with our kids.

I can’t tell you how many times I told my 9 year old “Hey sis, I’m so sorry I yelled & responded that way. I felt overwhelmed and unable to support you how you need, and my brain caught on fire with yours. I will try to do better tomorrow.” The power in the repair is where so much healing happens, friends.

Read through these slides. We aren’t striving to fix and perfect and shape our kids BEHAVIORS, we are trying to sink beneath their surface with them & help heal the incredibly wounded pieces in them.

A secure parent is one who continues to do their own mental health work; I can’t say that enough.

Im rooting for you, mama!!! I really am! And I can’t express GRACE enough, especially because we’re hitting one year pandemic and all our brains are mush 😅

Cocooning + Attachment Parenting

Adoptive + Foster Mamas! Let’s talk about COCOONING. Baby wearing. Attachment.

Every journey is different, but being aware of these realities is important.

Who cocooned? Who baby wore? Who plans to?

For our infant adoption, creating a cocoon was important & baby wearing was a HUGE piece of this.

We wore both boys way more than using the stroller or carrying the car seat. We rarely, if ever, removed the car seats from the car & opted to wear them. Not everyone chooses this, but it felt right for us.

There’s an entire article I wrote on @adoption they titled: What Is Cocooning? Should I Try It?

Baby wearing promotes attachment, a sense of safety + closeness with a caregiver/parent. Even when temporarily fostering a baby, promoting a healthy + secure attachment should be a goal.

The quality of the infant-parent attachment is a powerful predictor of a child’s social and emotional outcome. We made decisions based on what we believed to be the best for our son. Every parent’s decisions differ.

Scroll for a few short info graphics and also a few flash backs from wearing Sage and Ira 😍 we loved:
@twingocarrier
@babytula both for infants AND toddlers
@mobywrap
@wildbird

What carriers have you loved? Are you a baby wearer? Kahlil is by far my most carseated/stroller child! I wore baby AB a lot and even wore our 4 year old daughter (thru foster care) with the toddler Tula carrier. I’m a fan of breaking my back apparently 😂 but for real!

Read my whole article here.

Brotherhood Bond Defying Societal Standards

They smash any belief that brothers must share blood. Their brotherhood bond defies societal standards, on the daily.

They re-entered their part time daycare/preschool and their teacher asked me if they ever fight at home 😂😂 I stared at her shocked, perplexed, but then I smiled because isnt that what we want?! For our kids not to behave like terrorists in the outside world? 😂 if you watched our home you’d see them fighting and kicking and spitting and yelling and crying A LOT.

But at school? They got each other’s backs. They’ve told me (& I confirmed with one of the teachers) they’re best buddies at school, and they stand up for the kids who get pushed around 🥺 theyre the helpers and the leaders.

Ira started chanting Black Lives Matter at the craft table the first school day of Feb because he knew it was time to hyper focus on Black history; he knows he has two brothers who have Black roots and it’s important for our white world to learn about it all.

I shed a tear with a smile because this is what I hope for them.

I hope for their brotherhood bond to continue deepening, breaking down walls and ego and power, building bridges and changing the world.

One craft convo at a time.

They have & will continue to have complex layers & dynamics. That is true for any interracial relationship, any adoptive relationship.

They don’t share blood, but the world around them knows full well they are brothers.

I’m the luckiest mama 🤎

8 Things To Remember When Your Kid's Lid Flips / Becomes Dysregulated

8 things to remember when your child’s lid flips!

When we hold the privilege of parenting kids not from our wombs, there is trauma involved. If you haven’t spent years learning about & experiencing different types of trauma responses & the various ways it manifests, you may think some trauma is more visible/noticeable than others.

It’s important as adoptive + foster moms that we understand the various ways trauma changes our children’s brain pathways & bodily systems. Whats also important is knowing we get to support them during times of fight, flight, or freeze...which is also when their lid flips.

Read through the slides. By no means is this all encompassing, but it is a good start! Save it to return to.

Parenting humans is hard. Throw in trauma & complex identity, and we have a whole invitation to keep learning, unpacking our OWN stuff, and showing up better for our kids. And grace.

There is so much grace for all the ways we fall short. I fall short every single day. But these are things I return to, reminding myself to ground my parenting in this reality.

We are the sponge, but the sponge also needs space to ring out all the gunk it just soaked in. Maybe a little bake job sterilization — set time apart for you to recover.

I’m not raising kids to behave perfectly: I’m trying to raise kids who have coping skills, emotional awareness & intelligence, and deep compassion for themselves + those around them.

Listening to voices in the triad that don’t sound like yours

We only know what we know, but once we know better we MUST do better. This was one of the first things I learned as a potential/prospective adoptive parent.

And honestly? There’s no shortage of resources & spaces to learn and know more. If you’re in the adoption or foster parent space, it is a responsibility & duty to keep listening and learning.

In regards to transracial adoption, us white parents MUST do our non-white/Black/brown kids justice by learning & knowing about: micro aggressions, macro aggressions, bias, white privilege, the ways white supremacy subtly sneaks into our homes (it’s there! It’s everywhere) and is overtly a part of our systems everywhere, racism & discrimination. Education injustice. Medical injustices. The list goes on and there is not a shortage of areas to learn and know more, so we can do better.

I think adoption *can be* beautiful.

It’s born out of immense loss + tragedy, brokenness and not-meant-to-be-ness. In order for any beauty to come from ashes...something has to BURN. My friend Ashley from @bigtoughgirl said “In order for a family to be made {thru adoption} a family must break.” So how in the world can adoption be beautiful?

I believe our role in helping make adoption beautiful is by setting down all the ways we want to be right, set down our rights so to speak, and take up a parental posture of humility + support.

We listen, we learn, we know, and then we do better than what has been done by us {and adoptive parents at large} since the birth of adoption.

Listen & learn from voices in the triad that don’t sound like yours, who come from different backgrounds than yours, who push against what feels comfortable to you.

Podcast:
@adopteeson

Books:
In Their Voices @rhondaroorda
Inside Transracial Adoption
The Connected Child
No Sugar Coating by @jillanagoble
The Primal Wound

Accounts:
@adopteeoutloud
@adopteelilly
@angieadoptee
@bigtoughgirl
@itsmenicolemarie
@_heytra

Who + what else can we add to the list?

Help Launch This Children's Book!

Watch this video and/or read more about the book! The video has the same information.

YOU are invited to play an integral role in publishing + releasing a really special, important, unique, NEEDED children’s book!

This book is going to bring insight, comfort, and representation into homes around the world. This book is going to empower children + moms living an unconventional journey.

A little about this book’s conception:

I was doing my best to prepare my two four-year-olds to welcome an (unexpected) baby brother into our family. My firstborn son was adopted at birth, my secondborn son was born biologically 5 months later. Our family structure has since shifted through divorce, I was in a relationship and found myself unexpectedly pregnant!

Preparing my two big boys for a baby who didn’t share their dad was confusing for them. Every children’s book about preparing for a baby was essentially very conventional, traditional, cute families with one dad and one mom and everyone matches.

Once our baby was born, the boys requested reading a these welcoming-baby books constantly. I found myself trying not to cry from the rush of post-birth hormones and attempting to change some of the words as I read, to make the story line fit our family a bit better.

One night laying in bed I pulled up a google doc and started writing. I began working on a manuscript of rhymes, writing a story about Super Sage and Super Ira who were welcoming a baby brother… but this brother has a different dad. Their mom didn’t have a dad living with them in the house, it was her and her two boys, preparing for a baby.

It’s been about four months since writing and reworking this little manuscript. Sage and Ira ask me to read it at bedtime nearly every night!

They smile and they beam, they ask when there will be pictures with this book.

Where you come in:

We need you!

This book is going to be created in 2021. We would love if YOU were a part of it.

Hiring an illustrator for this book is about $4500. The work illustrators do is valuable and takes time, skill, experience, and a lot of time.

My goal is to have 150 people donate $40.

Each person who is able to donate $40 will receive: a downloadable print with the book’s most meaningful quote, a copy of the book, + their name listed as a contributor.

Each person who is able to donate any amount will receive: a downloadable print with the book’s most meaningful quote + their name listed as a contributor.

Regardless if you are able to show up by financially helping this book get illustrated, it WILL get illustrated + published. Sharing on social media is incredibly helpful, as we raise the funds for it to be created and then launch it into the world.

In order to receive your thank you gifts, YOU MUST fill out this form below:

Why this matters:

I sincerely believe books are the #1 tool we have access to as parents to help form + shape the way our children view the world.

My boys have had peers question the validity of their brotherhood / family, because we don’t all look the same or come from the same gene pool or live together as one big family. My hope is that a copy of this book ends up in every home: homes where representation of a nonconventional family is needed for their own family to see themselves…but also homes with traditional families who can raise their kids knowing not all families look the same.

Empathy + compassion come through understanding. We have to start helping our kids know there isn’t shame in living a different story than the next kid.

We change the world by changing how we raise kids.

Will you help make this world a better place for our kids?

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Adoptive Parent Guilt + Grief

I wasn’t prepared for the grief or guilt as an adoptive parent.

I mean, I KNEW adoption was born out of loss, tragedy, grief. I didn’t realize the grief would rock my world and be carried with me for the rest of my life, too.

But of course it does.

Inherently, I naturally shouldered my child’s inexplicable loss. It isn’t our loss, but becomes ours as we *hopefully* help him bear this burden. This sounds saviorism; it isn’t: it’s duty, it’s responsibility.

Im not sure there’s a way to totally understand or prepare for the weight of it all. But hopefully we can keep talking about it so people headed in the direction of adopting (and fostering too) can know you don’t walk into this feeling like a super hero. Or, at least, you definitely shouldn’t.

For me, grief & sorrow for my sons layers of loss wedged itself permanently in my heart. I believe it is this grief that keeps me wanting to love him & his roots well, keeps me wanting to make change in the world, keeps me open to the fact I’ll get it wrong but I’ll apologize & keep trying.

For me, guilt has shown up to remind me that IM the lucky mom he calls mom, IM the one who kisses his cheeks every night, IM the one he runs to when he’s hurt or needs snuggles or tears to be wiped. Guilt about two biological sons, fear it will hurt him even when *I* know I love him as fiercely as if I birthed him. Guilt I left the hospital 5 years ago with my arms + heart full as his other mom left with engorged breasts, a sore body, exhausted from birth, a shattered heart, and empty arms.

Grief knowing already at 5 he has struggles he should never “have” to struggle with.

Wallowing in guilt doesn’t do much but make it about us, though. So we’ve got to keep showing up to work through these things.

My guilt has shifted into grief, which I expect will be carried with me to my grave.

But the question is: what am I doing with that grief? Repressing & ignoring it? Letting it make me insecure & fearful & jealous? Creating a false narrative? Withdrawing? Hardening? Allowing it to soften me, mold me, expand me?

Would love to hear your experience / thoughts with adoptive parent guilt + grief.