What I Didn't Know {& Have Been Learning}

So when I fell on the floor the other night, sobbing tears of wet into the brown carpet, soaking my soul into the floor ... nothing could have prepared me for the brokenness of myself. Who knew that soccer games would be such a blessing in disguise? Full of excitement and adrenaline rushes and shouts of encouragement. A team united, each individual a friend of the other. Who knew that soccer would mean so much to husband? That he would grow to love it and that we would have a sport to deepen our friendship.

 

When I was a a child, I dreamed of "growing up" - I didn't know that even as an "adult," things like family, divorce, and life try to mess with your heart. I didn't know that people saw other people as toys; something to use for their own selfish gain.  Who knew that every single day I would need to pick up my heavy, beaten, splintery cross and die to myself, while honestly look forgiveness in the face and choose whether or not I want to walk in freedom? What I didn't know was that choosing to walk in grace means to shower others in forgiveness, even when they treat you like dirt. What I must always choose to remember is that those who treat others poorly need the deep-crazy-transforming-makes no sense grace. When I choose grace, when I choose to love someone  who purposely hurts, I didn't know that I would gain joy and my quality of life actually increases.

Processing. Its so important and necessary and I didn't know this. I didn't know that in order to be a healthy human being, I need to choose to process the events that effect me and that it is okay to feel the feelings my heart feels. Did you know that? That you can feel exactly what you're feeling? Don't lash out at others, don't sin in your feelings of hurt and anger and betrayal or whatever it is that is happening, but definitely face the feeling and be real. Don't run from it: face it and ask Jesus to help you through it. What I didn't know, was that something as simple as hiking up a small hill and hunting to capture beauty as I cry out to Jesus, could be a major part of my processing. Trees of green and green trees and small animals like squirrels and precious flower weeds like dandelions. The beauty is in the grace in the minute; who knew?

I didn't know that a small apartment-patio garden would bring us closer to Jesus and closer to each other and that the green sprouting life in every corner would actually be an escort of joy. What I didn't know was that simply sitting in that area, closed off by a thin and wooden fence, holes peeking into the city parking lot, would be such a place of peace?

Bruised and battered hearts are real. Pain is true and staring it in the face is braving the scary unknown and it is so, so worth it. Don't dismiss your heart. Don't shove your aches into a corner. Don't make life about you {self centered}, but do face them and cry out to Jesus, He is dying to carry you through, and He will.

I never expected that sitting among family, air tight and fists clenched, eyes bearing into one human, hearing the unbelievable words fall out of his or her mouth -- I never expected grace to course through me as strength in the supernatural way. That living out the gospel would mean responding in love which means patience and kindness, hoping the best, and even putting down self. I never expected the grace-strength to rush through me the way it does. Especially when I need it to most because my self is weak.

I never realized how real grace-strength is. Until every time I am around others that bluntly condemn and rudely dehumanize, and how easy it would be to join that attitude -- but the grace coursing through me gives me strength in awe-some ways, helping me to keep a steady head and a loving heart and the power to keep calm when everything insides me says to scream. When everything in me shouts panic and pain, but out of me flows grace and selflessness. What I didn't know was that when I truly submit to the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ that He can truly and amazingly take over all of me. Permeating my being and even blessing those around me. Those who hurt and use and manipulate. I didn't know how truly transforming this life journey with Jesus would be.

I didn't know that facing pain and experiencing deep hurts would actually plunge deeper into You, God. Others hurt me, and I hurt others {especially those that I let into my heart}; I am human and so are they and You are not, and You, Jesus, are faultless. I didn't know that being driven crazy and feeling insane and alone would drive me closer to the Cross and that truly the Cross is the presence of God and all I can breathe in to truly live and truly love is the Cross. The Cross is the presence of Christ and that is where I breathe. The Cross is where He was made King and where I was made Holy, Precious, Beloved, HIS. I didn't know that everyday I would completely search for the breaking news of the Gospel, and that that was a reality of the walk of a Christian: searching for the Gospel in every waking moment, only to breathe in joy.

I didn't expect that unless I truly, and I mean completely and honestly and very real-ly, walk with Jesus through every step of my every way...then and only then will I not be driven by and walk by fear or self-centeredness. I will not give in to despair. Instead I can fall on my face and sob my soul to Him and ask Him to help me out of these ruts that are so tightly binding me, and show me the Life because I know and I have experienced that He is best. He knows best.

And am I a candle, melted wax, ready to be formed and shaped into your Beautiful and Holy image? Melt me when I harden incorrectly and reshape me when I've formed like those around me rather than You who leads me. Remelt me when I've allowed my broken cracks to harden, not allowing my Creator to make me new and fresh and beautiful. Be my wick, steady throughout, centering me as You are my core, igniting a fire and flame for You. As you burn, I melt, and then and only then am I re-moldable for you.

What I didn't know was that being honest about the threat of despair, the desire of escaping my very own skin would keep my soul safe by driving me to You, Jesus. That when I feel helpless is actually when I am able to find hope in You, because I remember that You have given me so. much. hope. You save me daily and daily I want to breathe you in. Because you are so, so good. And when I ask you to be my refuge, You are already there. I want to breathe grace for You, because of You.