Then a time of waiting and infertility and uncertainties with my body...not conceiving a life after 6 months of trying, and then 8 months, and then two years.. the mystery of not knowing was painful, grief-stricken at times. My feet failed often in the way of walking without wavering on the waters, but I pressed on and in, continuously wanting to hand over the desires of my heart. Perpetually striving to believe that what He has is better than what I wanted presently. His will, not mine. The waters were more unsteady than the painful self-denial of choosing to forgive family/friends/close ones who burned deeper than I was ready for; learning to submit the desire to conceive and carry a baby is and was agonizing to my soul. It felt like the ripping of my literal heart.