My Body is Mine

Yesterday EMDR therapy about took me out. We’ve been working through 1 particular sexual assault that set me up for a whole bunch of dysfunctional shit & trauma.

The 2 lies holding on for dear life are:

❌ “my body is not mine, nor do I inherently deserve respect.”
❌ “I am not desirable (to know or see) to a man if I do not please him sexually or allow him to do as he pleases to me.”

This is some effed up crap. My mind knows differently! My conscious knows this is bull.

But my body? It has stored these lies & I’m working so hard to uproot them.

As I was working thru the eye movement yesterday, reliving one of my most confusing (it isn’t so confusing anymore) sexual traumas…I felt:

Anger.
Sorrow.
Some hatred.
Disgust.

It’s rare for me to feel hatred or anything close to it. But it burned in me.

Then came the whispers. From him but also from America. Our culture.

“You let him in your house.”
“You liked him.”
“You giggled through your no.”

That last one guts me; it’s loud.

It’s tied to the twisted up lie that I’m not worth knowing, seeing, desiring…unless I hand my body over. So we (many women) giggle awkwardly while we say no because we are afraid to be the Bitch With Boundaries.

Even if a man didn’t deem me worthy of knowing unless I gave him my cookie, I don’t want him.

And yet.

Here I am, reliving a multitude of moments where my non-consent was disrespected & i didn’t push back harder to “keep the peace” and “not be a bitch.”

What we don’t process we pass on.

I refuse to pass this on.

The truths I want my body to live in & know, deeply to its core:

✅ “my body is mine; I owe it to no one. I inherently deserve respect.”
✅ “I am worth knowing, seeing, desiring…without the expectation or pressure or promise of sex.”

In my listening to others who have been confused about their sexual assaults, giggling through no is quite common. If we like the person, we are trying to decrease the tension of enforcing a boundary.

Girls aren’t taught to say a firm no to anything, let alone a mans advances.

Then are blamed for not saying no firm enough?

I’m teaching my boys: Anything other than a firm YES is a no.

Pole dancing: being in my sensuality *for me.*

-Natalie