I want to be happy for you.But honestly, I feel so grimy. I want my smiles to be genuine, But blimey hell, it feels so slimy.
Seeing you with her is no natural thing. Bringing me an awkward ping straight through my heart A true sting. At first I would have sworn it just a fling. But the way you cling to her rings something else, as though you've made her as part of yourself. Which, I know you have.
It hurts to see you flirt with someone other than my mother, whom you were never even alert. Painful, as you talk about half of my family as though they are dirt. I love them. Exerting ill feelings towards people you once called family I divert my eyes, trying to hide the deep hurt. When you name-call "them" what you do not realize, is that part of "them," I proudly am.
You never held the one you should have. You never caressed her with love. Instead you cursed and you yelled, outside love was shoved. You left for days as we suffered your hell, breaking things but mostly our hearts. Do you care that our family has fallen apart?
I thought I got used to the brokenness. But as I see you with her, I once again, in my heart feel the atrociousness that divorce has to offer. You were her (ex)husband's friend She was my mother's... & somehow I must let my heart amend, I must not feel the need to defend what once was...but now never will be. Oh the pain it is to think of what I now see..
Someone who, in a sense, helped raise me she watched me grow, babysat me, it feels like the lowest of blows. There are a million different women... and somehow you chose the one who would cause our hearts' such division. Double dates you once had before both commitments of marriage went bad. I just can't wrap my mind around being glad..
Asking me questions that are not fair, when answering in Truth I would not dare. In front of others, I was forced to lie, because as I started to tell the truth, I saw the stare in your eye. How uncomfortable is that? How unloving too? Grace makes no sense and I'm called to offer it to you. It hurts. It downright hurts. Being selfless & true denying my flesh for the One I pursue.
The hard thing is, I know you're broken. I know you're lost & confused. And that hurts me deep too. I feel bipolar, wishing you the best & praying for your soul, while my heart is at test, raging for peace & rest. Dressed in a smile, my truest hearts cry is that you would be blessed.
I'm pained and I'm broken it has happened again My hearts cry cannot be spoken as I feel completely broken. I am at loss while I toss around what has become.
To say the least, it was uncomfortable to have her talk about our past as tho it were unsufferable. As though she was someone she was not, attempting to reminisce on memories shot. Suddenly you see someone as lovable, Why did it take so long? It now feels completely wrong.
Invite her into my home, I will. But only because of The Lord Jesus who loves us still.
As I walk around the dark night the sky is lit bright by stars so beautiful. God's lights. Trying to process what is happening my tears flow from a heart of maddening to saddening. Imagining the future, near and far, I know that, as always, Jesus will heal the soon to be scars. As bizarre as it is and always will be, I must look forward, and see the Victory. I must look up, and be reminded of Calvary. Eventually, I will be held so delicately in the arms of my Father so true; And oh, will my heart be completely soothed.
Hope is what I stand on. Grace is what I walk in. Jesus holds my heart within. Hope allows a narrow scope to see the rope that Jesus offers; Hope helps me cope while I let God form me on this earth, giving me my only worth since the day of my birth all the while He nurses my nerves, my heart on the days of worst, reminding me of the love I do not deserve, But in it I am completely immersed.